I was given difficult “homework” after my very first counseling session since losing Walker and Clark. My counselor wanted me to write goodbye letters to my twin boys. I remember the grief was so new and I had not told anyone about losing them besides close family. Reading these now show me first hand how much I have changed my thinking since losing the boys. I wanted to share them with you.
As soon as we knew you were a boy we already know what your name would be. You were what the medical field called “Baby A” meaning you would be born first. Your father and I wanted to give you the same first name as your Daddy. He was absolutely in love with the idea. We would call you Walker to avoid any confusion, which was my great-grandfather’s name.
At every ultrasound, there you would be. Always giving lovely snapshots of your adorable face. I remember at one of my last appointments, as soon as I saw your face, I had an overwhelming feeling wash over me. I thought “I can’t wait to hold you and your brother.” Looking back, I wish I didn’t hold you so soon.
You were born at 12:38 am on September 16, 2017. You were perfect in every way. You had your Daddy’s chin and I took tons of pictures of that adorable chin. I wish I could have held you forever. I am so sorry that this happened. I will always love you.
The story of your first name is so very meaningful to me. My Ma and Pa, your great-grandparents’, last name is Clark. They are amazing people, as I’m sure you already know about Ma since she is in Heaven too. They helped raise my sisters and me, and we have always been close. I wanted a name to honor my entire family and Clark was it. Strength is what I feel when I say your name. Alexander was all that we thought would match with Clark- isn’t it such a great name? We always said, “Alexander the Great!”
You were always the shy one at ultrasounds (or maybe not so shy)… you would turn away and only show us your bottom and private area. It would make us all giggle.
You were born 13 minutes after your brother at 12:51 am on September 16, 2017. You were every bit perfect, born with a smile that stayed there forever. While laying on my chest, you moved to your Daddy’s voice and once more to mine a little later. It made our hearts so happy to know that you knew us already. I am so sorry that this happened. I will always love you.
To my boys,
I found out I was pregnant very early on. Before my first ultrasound, I had a feeling and read a lot about twin pregnancy early symptoms and so forth. But I didn’t seriously think it could happen. It’s like I knew! We were so shocked and excited to see twins on the ultrasound! Your father was over the moon. When we found out we were having identical twin boys, the excitement rose.
It was so amazing to see you both sharing the same growing space. I knew you would be close, best friends. I thought how amazing is it that my body can grow and sustain two precious lives. I’m sorry that my body failed you. I am writing this letter instead of being able to touch my belly and feel you both growing. There is an emptiness in my heart and I think it will be there for the rest of my life. I miss you both and I always will.
I had to say good-bye once and I don’t want to do it again. Even though we aren’t together, you both are always with me. I carry you in my heart. I am so scared to forget anything about our time together. It was filled with so much love, but also so much heartbreak. I’m so sorry that I could not save you both. Mommy loves you always and forever.
For my grieving heart
My journey through my grief has been one that I cannot fully understand. These letters helped me to say good-bye once more and opened my heart to the reality that my boys were gone. It was after these letters that I began to write. These letters opened my heart to write a heartfelt message to all women about life after miscarriage or stillbirth. If you have had a miscarriage or stillbirth, I encourage you to write good-bye letters to your baby/babies. It is good for your heart and soul.